I’ve been following the social media accounts of many strong women. They are inspiring, so much passion and fierceness. Sometimes I think “I used to be like that, what happened?” After much pondering I’ve decided I don’t want to say that anymore. I’ve decided to take back my fierceness.
I know part of it was age. As I got older I lost a bit of fire. And that was good. I used to have a bit too much passion and it was an out of control wildfire. I wouldn’t take the time to actually think through what was coming out of my mouth, I didn’t do my research fully, and I let mama bear drive my emotions. I slowed down in my late 20s- 30s and got my emotional feet under me. I am happy with that change.
The other part was dealing with the judgement and discrimination when I moved to the USA. Suddenly, I was considered too inappropriate, too loud, too strange, I showed too much skin, I had crazy hair… so many things. I let it wear me down. Part of that was my stubborn nature, I was like “Well fine, I’ll be boring” but I got over that. Part of it was dealing with a totally different community than I was used to. I am someone who adapts, so I tried to blend in more to the people I was meeting. The midwest is more conservative than the west coast and so some of my flamboyant nature was stamped down.
I was put through an emotional trial with some stuff that went on in our life. I struggled to fit in, I let fear run my brain with all this crazy immigration shit and politics.
A month ago I had a realization. I’m never going to fully fit in with the pagan community here. I come from different roots and I am tired of trying to find my tribe. I’m at a point in my life where I know what is important to me. I know how I like to worship. I’ve been walking this religious path for over 22 years. I don’t need a group to validate me.
That realization was freeing. Along with that I realized I need to go back to my fierceness for my family. I need to be strong and powerful to teach my son how to exist in this fucked up world. I need to go back to being the crazy soul who dances in the grocery store. I need to show him how to live life with passion and joy. That means I need to get back to my roots to be me fully.
I am embracing my nature. I am one of those super positive people who believes in other people. I am a cheerleader. I like to support others. I know that in the world today people like me are thought to be too fake, there is a mindset that we are only pretending to be supportive so that we can look good. This isn’t true. I really am a person who likes to lift others up. I enjoy saying “yes, you are awesome! you are beautiful!” The problem is, I get drained. People will use me up to feel good and then toss me aside.
So I have learned to put limits on my support. I need to take care of me as well. Now I’m going to say “Hey, I need my own time and space.” When I can, I’ll be back to support in ways that don’t drain me dry.
I also used to post about all sorts of magick, meditations, dreams and the awesome spiritual stuff I was going through. I had to stop because of some “life stuff”, but I think I am finally at a point where I can bring back some of that without it causing headaches for my family. I am pickier about what I share now, so I doubt it will be as deep as it used to be, but there might be more actual witchcraft posted here again. Crazy, I know!
I am probably going to give up on the small circles I was trying to create. I don’t have the energy or time to run a group or host space for others. I am going to go deep into my own practice. I will offer support through social media for people who need it by sharing rituals or ideas that others may find useful. I will be there to bounce ideas off of, I may continue to teach my 101 online when I have the desire to do so. When it fits my schedule I will try to get out to group stuff so I can connect, but I am not going to stress over it anymore.
My fierceness will come through in many different ways. The biggest way will be doing what I want and taking care of myself. I know that the idea of self love and care can be a weird topic for many. I’m going to own it and be me. Cause, I fucking love who I am. That statement alone is a revolution in this world. Time to be me. Take it or leave it world. I don’t need your validation or permission.
The season of the witch is here. I’m going to own it.