Sometimes it is so difficult to find the right words. I talk about gratitude often, and how even in the strange moments or the scary moments I try to find something to be grateful for. I’m having one of those moments. Next week I have to go to the hospital and have a “procedure” which is just a delicate way of saying they want to poke and prod me and test my insides. I have been trying to decide how I feel about the whole thing.
On one hand I always knew this was in the cards. My family does not have the most healthy background and since my 20’s my dr has always been honest with me about how when I started getting older I would have to be tested. On the other hand you never think you are “old enough” to have to undergo all the things you have to do.
I am grateful for the fact that I have good insurance and it will cover the cost of the whole thing. I am grateful that my dr has explained they aren’t worried, that the symptoms and changes in my body could be from anything. We are just doing it to be “better safe then sorry”. It makes me less nervous about the whole thing.
Of course, my brain has also gone to the realm of “what if”. It’s not the most positive place. What if they find something? What if something is wrong? I do my best to steer it back with thoughts like “I am young, and healthy. If they find something now we can deal with it and move on with life.”
So I have those moments and allow them for a few moments. After all it is normal to worry. I just don’t let it take root and become something nasty. Then it is back to focusing on the now and enjoying life.
So the hubby and I have figured out the prep I have to do. We’ve planned what I’ll be eating. We’ve let the wee one know that next time she comes I might be more tired because I have to see the dr and it might wear me out. We assured her that I’ll be ok, just a bit tired.
I’ve been making sure to pray and connect to the Divine. I’ve been filling my body with energy so that I can be gentle on myself. I don’t let myself dwell on the scary words. When I get nervous I let myself breathe and remind myself I have lived through many things, and this is just one more moment to work through. When the hubby gets nervous and holds me a little too tight I give him a kiss and remind him that we’ll be ok.
I take time to be thankful. I know a lot of people don’t believe in positive thinking, but when I look back at my life I know that it has helped me through a lot of crazy things. So I fill myself with love and joy and reach out to my faith. I laugh and cuddle my hubby. I put my gratitude thoughts in the gratitude jar. I know I’ll be ok. It’s just getting to that moment and through it that makes me nervous.
I have faith. It fills me with white light and sparkles. It gives me strength. The Lady walks with me and I know when I need to I can lean. I have hope for the future and all the good things that are coming our way.