In the past I have spoken about the depression I experienced many years ago. I often focus on the positive and everything I did to drag myself out of it. I don’t often talk about what I was thinking or feeling at the time, cause it’s a big mess and I don’t like to focus on the crap. But this morning I was having a conversation with my Lady and some things came up and suddenly clicked into place.
When I started to spiral down badly into my depression several things happened. First, I stopped taking care of myself. I went long periods without showering, I didn’t want to get out of my pj’s, I didn’t want to leave the house, eat or clean my space. From what I understand that is fairly classic of anyone going through depression.
I lived in a tiny space, so any mess looked like a million times worse than it was. And it demoralized me. It felt like nothing I could do would make the space organized so I gave up.
I was surrounded by mess, felt like a mess and felt like my Goddess was pulling away from me. Not that I blamed her, I felt like the most disgusting, worthless thing ever so why would she want me. What I realize now is that I built up walls. Massive walls. Walls so thick and tall that I couldn’t hear Her anymore. I was hidden under so many different walls and shields that nothing could get through.
Things changed and I began to get help and slowly things started to feel easier. I was in circle one night wondering why I felt so out of the loop and felt like I wasn’t even there. So I poked myself and began to slowly lower some of the shields I had up. I know I’m pretty awesome at shielding and forget how many I throw up sometimes. So I lowered a few and was like “Whoa! I can feel things again!”
After that I began to carefully peel off the layers of unnecessary shielding and let myself feel again. My connections started to come back and I felt like I was actually walking in the world again rather than just observing it.
The first step was to start to take better care of myself. I learned to get enough sleep, to eat properly, to clean myself up. Nothing too fancy, I just got comfortable in my skin again. I learned to love myself and my confidence came back. I had missed being my sassy, flirty, smiley self. It was good to figure out which parts of the old me I was keeping and which I was discarding as I grew into a much healthier person.
The next step was to start to use my time wisely and to get organized. I learned that I loved having clean space. Yea, I like my clutter and a bit of lived in mess, but I get anxious and feel bleh when everything is out of control. I became better at picking up after myself and dedicating time to clean. I felt so much better after. When I keep my sacred space tidy I feel more pleased. It keeps the energy flowing.
Little did I know at the time but my Goddess was there nudging me. Helping me to find my path and figure out what I needed. Years later I am here, happy in my skin, learning to keep a clean home and taking care of myself. I go to the gym again, I eat healthier, and I am feeling good.
This morning as I was finishing up some chores and ready to hop in the shower I got another nudge. It’s that moment when you finally realize you’ve had someone working behind the scenes, poking and prodding, but in such a gentle way you didn’t notice.
She came into my head quickly and loudly. UPG warning, conversations with a Goddess ahead…
“Its time for the next step” She declared. I was all “What the… What?”
“You think I haven’t been pushing gently all this time? There is more work ahead and I am less patient” Visions of all I wrote about above popped in my head.
I pondered and got in the shower. “Ok, so you’ve been helping me to be healthy and clean and organized. I get part of it. I couldn’t work the magick and rituals you wanted before because my mind wasn’t in the game. I’m yours, this is obvious, and you’ve been gentle since you know I’m stubborn and ridiculous. So whats next then?”
Visions came and went and She told me “Its time to be who you need to be. You get too comfortable sometimes.”
I’m the type of person who is happy in jeans and a t-shirt. I don’t wear makeup, I didn’t wear jewelery until recently, I tend to not do my hair. I’m not really a fashionista although part of me wants to be. I always think I can’t pull off something, or that I’m too out of shape, too old whatever.
So I think about this and shrug. “Ok so you want me to dress up a bit more.”
She makes that little annoyed noise. “You don’t work in a warehouse anymore. You can dress up and wear pretty things and be powerful.”
I do feel powerful when I dress up at work. I do love to wear jewelry, especially to remind me of various things about my faith but I got out of the habit in my last job. “Ok, I can do that. Not really sure where this is going, but ok in the book of things my Gods ask me to do, this isn’t difficult.”
I think she snorts at me. It’s hard to tell. She’s a little grumpy today so when I get out of the shower I light some incense for her and sit down to journal a bit.
I don’t really know what this is about. Perhaps its about boosting my confidence more? Maybe its going to help me in some way? Maybe I’m just a dress up doll for her? Who knows.
I get part of it though. I was working on my notes for magick this morning and thinking about how I’ll teach the class. Many think that part of High Magick is being in shape both mentally and physically. I am more of a low magick kinda person when I do anything of the sort, but I can admit the last year my magick has boosted up as I get more in shape. Perhaps dressing the part will help my subconscious in any work I am doing.
That also makes sense. It is part of why we dress up for ritual. To set the mood, to get the brain in the right gear. Maybe She wants me dressing up more and making myself feel more powerful to help me ramp up what I do. Clever Lady.
I don’t really know where the road will take me, but between this and the nudges from Freyja I know they want me doing more magick. I admit I am lazy about that sort of thing, but the past 3 years I have been working more spells, doing more astral work, putting out more energy and I can feel the change.
I guess I just keep walking the path and see where we end up.